Dog whisperer tells all

More and more often one reads about dogs being tasered by police in the Midwest or by overworked animal shelter employees in New York. I couldn’t help but wonder what cumulative effects this tasing trend could be having on canine culture. So I consulted Dr. Harry Hunderfluster, a renowned animal analyst.

Dr. Hunderfluster makes a good living treating the issues of man's best friend. He is what is known in the business as a dog whisperer. Dr. Hunderfluster told me he has noticed a sharp decline in his cur clientele's conventional psychological complaints, such as fleas, mail carriers and deforestation. Instead, Dr. Hunderfluster said he is observing a marked rise in symptoms of acute stress among growing numbers of piqued pooches. The gravity of the situation convinced him to remain muzzled no more. Dr. Hunderfluster goes on the record here for the first time, unleashing the sordid quotes that follow.


Horst [not his real name] is a 6-year-old German shepherd. When shown an amorphous Rorschach, Horst began compulsively snapping his teeth, and growled that the ink blot resembled a dog catcher. When I suggested the more politically correct term, "animal control officer," Horst let out a long bark that ended in a threatening growl. Time's up I deftly informed him.

A mature toy poodle, I'll call her Carla B., would not even get up on the couch. Instead she circled the room incessantly, finally yelping in an almost feline fashion, "Mon dieu! What eef I should fall into zee hands of zose taser brutes!"

An adolescent boxer, brindle, came to his session even more excitable than usual and pranced with his head held high. He repeatedly shook his muzzle violently from side to side throwing long frothy strings of saliva about my office. "Bring it on," he snarled repeatedly through clenched jaws.

I was in over my head, and so sought advice from several serious dog stars of canine pop culture. Jed Clampett's hound, Duke, just howled. Scooby Doo perked his animated head and woofed, "Rut-roh." The Taco Bell chihuahua was useless -- turns out the miniature is stone deaf from having worked too close to that bell for too long. On the sidelines during a recent University of Georgia football game, Uga just stared blankly at me. Clearly, the Bulldogs’ mascot was not surprised to hear about Yankees acting in such an ungentlemanly fashion.

Let's face it, despite that unfeeling 18th century definition by Gottfried Leibniz, namely, "the dog is an organism, inhabited by fleas, which barks," no dog, whether lap, watch, attack or junkyard, ever wants to be tazed. And you don’t have to be an expert in pup psychology to know that.